Offence is not a valid argument. It’s an emotional response that often hinders productive dialogue and stifles progress.”
– Ayaan Hirsi Ali ((1969-present), a Dutch/American politician and author known for women’s rights advocacy.
“We live in a culture where everyone is offended by everything. People are too sensitive. They get offended by words like ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’ They get offended by a comedian telling a joke. They get offended by a politician’s tweet. It’s ridiculous.”
– Bill Maher (1956–present), an American who is prominent in stand-up comedy, television, film, books, and podcast.
THREE months ago, I received a special wedding invitation via email. It was not just any wedding, but the wedding of my cousin’s favorite niece.
Let me be clear from the start, I am not fond of social events or family gatherings. You could say that I am reserved and prefer solitude. I am happiest when I am alone, working with numbers and data. The silent hum of my brain as I think is more comforting to me than the loud chatter at parties.
My absence from functions has become a tradition. If I do not go, my wife and children will not go either. Occasionally, my father would coax me, urging me to “show face,” but these instances were rare.
Anyway, the invitation was special. The cousin who sent it was more like a brother to me than a cousin. We had shared not only our childhood memories, but also secrets, dreams, and problems.
This time, he invited his partner, a man as fun and exciting as a festival. He was flashy, full of life, and truly amazing. My cousin and his partner were like two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together just right.
However, not everyone viewed them the way I did. Some family members, entrenched in their old-fashioned views, found it hard to accept their relationship.
The bride’s mother, my cousin’s sister, was in a tricky situation. She had no issue with my cousin’s relationship, but she felt a lot of pressure from society and family.
She wanted a peaceful family event, but she also knew that her brother’s relationship might not sit well with the older people and VIPs in our family.
The solution they found, even though it was necessary, was hard to accept. My cousin and his partner sat at the back of the large dining room with some friendly family friends, including me, who understood and respected their situation.
The plan was not perfect, but it was the best we could do to keep things peaceful. Sometimes, even when things are not just, keeping peace becomes the most important thing.
When some guests wondered why we were sitting so far from the main table, my wife, who is always good at smoothing things over, answered with her usual mix of friendly charm and hidden sarcasm.
She said, “They seem to think everyone at the main table is a VIP, so we thought we’d be more comfortable here, chatting with normal, down-to-earth people like us.”
I couldn’t help but feel uneasy about the underlying tension in the situation, but at the same time, I was amazed by my cousin’s strength and fortitude. How could he sit through a three-hour wedding dinner with this quiet embarrassment hanging over him like a dark cloud?
Although I felt sympathetic towards him, I knew that my role was not to exacerbate his unhappiness, but to provide strong support for him.
You see, the thing about being offended is, as my wife said, it’s like a virus – it spreads quickly and leaves a lot of damage behind.
Nobody wins when we let these emotions get out of control, especially when there is no good way to fix the problem in sight.
Interestingly, it was when I was reading an old book, whose title and author I regrettably cannot recall, that I first encountered the term “offendedness.”
The writer, in a compilation of thought-provoking articles, explained how people in Malaysia seemed to be offended by almost anything and everything. It appeared to describe our situation perfectly.
Fast forward to recent times, the issue of offendedness in Malaysians came up again when a lawyer turned comedian, Jocelyn Chia, made a humorous joke about our country, causing a huge uproar.
Evidently, jokes about Malaysia being a ‘developing country’ and some playful remarks about the infamous MH370 are now considered cardinal sins.
Then, another lawyer stated on her social media that Sabah and Sarawak are lagging behind compared to West Malaysia, making them impractical places to start a family or pursue a career.
The internet, which is like our global court of public opinion, erupted. I mean, all this fuss over a couple of remarks? Really?
In this technological age, the media’s focus seems absurd. In a world where the media is more interested in Will Smith slapping Chris Rock than actual problems in places like Ukraine or Gaza, have we completely lost our perspective?
This entire mess made me question our collective sense of judgment, a sentiment that was confirmed during a coffee chat with a friend. He told me about a fascinating concept called “hate spin.”
It’s a term used to describe how some groups manipulate public sentiment to advance their own objectives. The game is straightforward: act as if you are the victim, say you are defending your community, and stir up a storm of planned offendedness.
In the murky world of identity politics, the louder the anger, the stronger their case appears.
Calls for unity are only a veiled attempt to promote everyone being the same, preventing disagreement. Liberalism is treated as some sort of taboo, something we dare not mention out loud. All this is just a facade to maintain the status quo and keep mainstream ideas unchallenged.
Now, don’t get me wrong, those remarks are not exactly my cup of tea. But isn’t democracy and progress rooted in the freedom to challenge existing norms, to question the establishment?
If doing so upsets a few people, so be it. Constantly tiptoeing around offendedness is not the solution. So, for me, policing offences is a no-go.
There are many examples of situations where offence has hindered progress.
In many countries, political discourse has become increasingly polarized, with people on opposing sides becoming more entrenched in their positions and less willing to listen to each other. This has led to a breakdown in communication and a lack of progress on important issues.
While social justice movements have made significant progress in recent years, there have also been instances where offence has hindered progress. For example, some activists have been criticized for focusing too much on calling out individual instances of racism or sexism, rather than addressing systemic issues.
In scientific debates, offence can sometimes lead to ad hominem attacks and personal insults, rather than a focus on the actual evidence and arguments. This can make it difficult to reach consensus or make progress on important issues.
Offence can also hinder progress in the workplace, where disagreements and conflicts can arise between colleagues. If people become too emotionally invested in their positions, it can be difficult to find common ground and work towards a solution.
Overall, offence can hinder progress in any situation where people are not willing to listen to each other and engage in productive dialogue.
Now, let’s go back to that wedding hall. Unlike what those ‘very important people’ might think, it’s not the fancy front table that demonstrates our worth, but our ability to stand up for what we believe in, even from the back of the room.
In my opinion, my cousin and his partner were the real important people that day. They may not conform to the world’s narrow ideas of what’s ‘acceptable,’ but they embody freedom, strength, and most importantly, genuine human kindness. Now, isn’t that worth a standing ovation?
