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‘Why’ questions: Don’t play Socrates

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It’s better to refrain from asking for a reason or reasons why a person starts or stops doing something, unless you are Socrates, who once extended the spheres of the ‘why’ questions and did not get all the answers – he committed suicide in 399 BC by drinking poisonous hemlock in prison.

This could pertain to one’s indulgence in sports activities, music, photography, the arts and others.

I am not keen in probing into another person’s private life, including his or her reasons for not furthering studies, reasons for divorce or why she or he preferred celibacy or was never married as well as other deeds or involvements.

Asking someone why he or she stops doing something, as I see it, would tantamount to asking private matters of marriage, divorce, bereavements and other personal engagements such as “Why are you involved in gangsterism?” or “What made you decide to become an ‘Ah Long’ or cartel chief?”

However, along the way, there tends to be someone who, out of curiosity or disregard just comes out with such question as “Why did you stop doing this and that?”

Sounds innocent to some but to me, my upbringing would say otherwise. Unless you are in an interview with the intention to come up with an article, asking such personal questions is an act of insolence.

Personal matters of others are better left at the backseat of one’s mind. For example such questions about marriages, separations and divorces are better tackled with extreme cautions or better still, just left untouched.

I would never dream of asking someone, even a friend, why he or she never got married but in jest such question as “Why didn’t you and her tie the knot?” could lighten a tense atmosphere and could be therapeutic.

Of course there is nothing wrong with asking personal questions but be sensible. Out of the Five Ws and One H, start with “what”, “when”, “who”, “where” or “how” but refrain from the “why” questions as far as possible.

For example, I will gladly provide answer or answers to questions such as “When is your next Elvis show?” or “When are you are going to paint (batik) again?” but would not oblige to answer questions such as “Why do you impersonate Elvis or stop playing guitar?” or “What caused you to separate from and why did you split up with your former spouse?”

Trained in counselling and guidance, which were part of our job as counsellors to trainee teachers in the late 70s and early 80s, I always choose my questions carefully.

Personal matters are likely to be brought up by counselees in a well-conducted counselling session.

We counsellors were trained to conduct sessions where the counselees would willingly bring out their personal problems. But of course these trainings were exclusive and most of my counterparts in journalism are not privy to this.

However, the unwritten natural law of mutual respect is a necessary virtue to be possessed by all men – and women of course.

Let’s all live in peace and comfort either at home, workplace and other dwellings by refraining from being uncaring and senseless in asking questions, especially those pertaining to personal matters.

Honestly speaking, questions on one’s divorce and marriage are best left to the relevant officials in the National Registration Department.

Even very close friends would kindly seek consent before asking questions of this nature.

Do we get to ask a smoker why he or she smokes or why a punter enjoys patronising the betting counters?

The questions are simple but they could earn you a slap and venomous curses and looks. Even a journalist doing probe stories should adhere to the guidelines on privacy.

Touching on privacy, the world is divided, with one side saying it is a privilege and not a right. But once it is gone it can be big deal. For example, some people go to the bathroom and need not worry by leaving the door open.

This could horrify many others when reading about it. Some things are just done in privacy but even husband and wife would differ on the subject and would never be seeing eye-to-eye on it.

On the question of whether privacy is a privilege and not a right, I guarantee you when it’s gone it won’t be coming back, not without a good fight. It’s sad to see privacy slowly slipping away.

So simple but curious questions can invade into the privacy of others, including your friends, colleagues or even relatives.

Think of alternative ways to get your intended answers and only when it’s necessary or because if you do not get the answers you would lose hundred hours of sleep.

Ask whether your friend intends to paint or sing again rather than why he or she stopped doing so.

Ask whether your friend struck any good luck with the bets on numbers and racecourse lately rather than why he or she started or stopped punting or betting in races and numbers.

You can also ask when is her or his next trip to see ‘Uncle Lim’ in Casino De Genting.

The term “Uncle Lim” once referred to senior Lim (late Genting owner Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong) – however when I used the term during a three-month school principal course at Institut Aminuddin Baki (IAB) in Sri Layang just a few miles below the casino in 1993, I drew blank faces among the other 20 participants that included Rosey Yunus, now an assistant minister.

So to convey the message across clearly, I once invited most of my course mates to a satay rendezvous in Kajang.

One course mate, Dr Zulfipli, who was the principal of SMK Sepang, said he was very familiar with the satay stalls in Kajang – he could even remember which stall offered thick, white and brown gravy as well as others.

It was a really a memorable event where no ‘why’ question was asked despite the fact that we were strangers in a strange environment.

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